Quick, to the slutcave!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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