party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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