Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize