It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
