her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
