Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
