If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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