His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
