she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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