I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
