I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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