I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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