I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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