i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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