he was CRYING into my vagina
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
being pregnant is like rehab
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
