Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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