Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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