You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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