Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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