i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
