That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
