im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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