Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
