I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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