If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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