well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
