The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
