turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize