I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
