Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just pee around me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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