To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't put those talents on a resume
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
