A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
These tits shall not be calmed
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
