Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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