It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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