if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
