this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
