Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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