I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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