Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
