I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
