I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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