then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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