If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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