My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
