The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
