I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
