I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
