my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
