remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
