My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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