I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
