need another drink. this is the easiest way
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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