My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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