My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize