I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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