I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
