Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
