I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
