she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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