talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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