I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
